Let me correct that last statement, you know my strength.

“You’re the only one who ever stood up to your dad,” you said to me.  That was only last year.  Are you silently asking me to stand up to you?  Are you asking for a way out of your nightmare?  I can’t do that for you, Mom.  I can’t love you enough to make up for your own lack of self love.

When I got in the car the last time you tried to open the door, but I locked it.  You shouted at me:  “Get out of the car, you can’t drive!”

‘Why not?” I said.

“Because you’ll get in an accident.”

Again, because I would do something wrong.  Again, it would be my fault.  What you really had visions of, was me leaving like I had before.  I know you are terrified that you will become an invalid living on your own.  How many times have you hinted that I could come live with you and take care of you.  How many times recently have you said you have opened your home to me.

Understanding is starting to come, you actually love me as much as you’re able and you want me to look after you when you are decrepit.  Well dear Mom, don’t you remember I offered to have you come live with me after the last time you tried to commit suicide?  

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